Last week I typed this AWESOME Blog Post about Impostor Syndrome and Parenting. Then when I added the image, I somehow LOST my entire post! Oh well, that's life.
Impostor Syndrome is the fear that an individual will be outed as a fraud. Not that they ARE a fraud, but instead that despite their knowledge, their skills, and training, they will some how be discovered and outed as a fraud.
Isn't that what parenting is really about? Waiting for the tiny human(s) to figure out, that we, the adults don't have ALL the answers? That we don't in fact know EVERYTHING? That sometimes we fly by the seat of our pants? That some things work out? That others don't?
Why is the pressure to be MORE than HUMAN so much? Partially because of Social Media, but let's not forget that societal judgment has existed as long as society has existed. Before Social Media parents might have found themselves shunned or gossiped about. The push to be Wonder Woman, Superman or The Green Lantern is HUGE! All the memes and well meaning YOU CAN DO ANYTHING comments on social media, telling parents that if they aren't doing it all, and doing it with a smile, they are failing their child(ren) are wrong.
Being judged by our parenting peers, soccer parents, fellow PTA attendees is part of the reason many parents stress over perfectly normal child behavior. Most of the time, our peers aren't judging us, they are comparing themselves to us. Are you the parent with money to take fun vacations? Other parents wish they could. Are you the parent who CAN stay home with your kids? Other parents wish they could? Are you the successful working parent who has this work/parenting balance all figured out? Other parents wish they could. Are you the creative/crafty parent who makes the best costumes and homemade gifts? Other parents wish they could (Etsy?). You see no matter where you are as a parent there is at least one other parent out there who WISHES they could be the parent you ARE.
Then there are those pesky tiny humans. What happens when they learn we are not the ultimate authority? When the learn we don't know everything? When we make a mistake, and they see it? This is why it is important right from the start to be honest with your kids. Let them know you are human, and human is good. If you have a rough day, make a mistake, are tired be honest with your small human. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what you wish you could do. Ask for their help in making a plan to do the thing they want to do. (If you want more AWESOME parenting tips about being a peaceful and connected parent check out Irene McKenna)
I used to STRESS myself out at every birthday, and Easter and Christmas (as it happens my small people were born around Easter and Thanksgiving, so imagine super stressed mom with a plastic smile and purple cape for 2 months at a time). I would deep clean for birthday parties at home (because our house was NEVER clean and organized). I had to have parties at home, because I could not afford to have them at fancy locations. I used to think my kids were getting the bum edge of the stick with my homemade invitations, decor, themes and cakes. Another parent once confessed to me how they wished they knew their children well enough to through a themed party at home. How they LOVED my unique and creative invitations (I did Pop Open Purse Cards one year, and Leaves -actual leaves- for a Pixie Hollow Party). I honestly thought my kids had the lamest birthday parties, because we didn't have the money to do fancy parties like the kids they went to school with.
I used to stress myself out over if there was ENOUGH in the Easter Baskets, and Stockings and under the tree. I wanted my kids to have these awesome memories from their childhood. Pjs and Cocoa, special wrapping paper and ribbons, abundant baskets and stockings....
My kids are all grown up now. My bouncing baby just turned 18. In conversations with both of them over the last 5 years (since divorcing their father) I have learned that they BOTH saw me as stressed and unhappy during the Holidays and their birthdays. This was a huge overshadow of ANYTHING else I did.
I wanted to be the PERFECT PARENT. I wanted to be the PERFECT PERSON that my kids could look up to. Turns out, all THEY really wanted was to see me HAPPY. Ironic since that has been my hope for them always: "As long as they are HAPPY."
Stop trying to be Wonder Woman (she is a fictional character based on more than one woman and a man's sexual fantasies), Superman or ANY OTHER SUPER HERO. Be Human. Show your tiny humans that we ALL have big feelings, that we all have sad and happy and so much more in between, that we all make mistakes and that the key is to admit to those mistakes, then learn from them. Teach your tiny humans that being human is ENOUGH, and watch as you stop caring what other people think of you as a parent, because the only ones who matter LOVE you just the way you are.
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